What you didn’t see

So I’ve been stuck on this biological dad thing for a few days now. I have a lot going on with my move, work, and my family so I have been a total mess. My poor boyfriend, god love him, has been there patiently putting up with me. Today I spent some time at my apartment packing and cleaning. I found a letter my biological dad sent me back in 2012. It made me cry and I think I have been crying all evening. When I saw all my things in the boxes I cried some more. I think the fact that I am giving up all my securities hit me hard today. Don’t get me wrong moving in is exactly what I want to be doing it’s just this happened before and it didn’t quite work out. I know he isn’t that guy and our relationship is so different and happier, but I think I will always hold onto what happened until I see it’s not going to happen again.

Okay so sorry back to this dad thing. By the way I don’t call any man dad. EVER! or at least not since he left me. It’s sad really. The only guy who has been consistent in my life is my grandpa. Back to this letter. He wrote to me to tell me about his life since he left and the day I was born. He told me that he hoped that we could build a future together and that we would get to know each other. That didn’t happen. Growing up I think he hurt me so much, but why does it hurt so much now you ask? Because he is there for my sister and he drove all that way to see her when he hasn’t done that once for me. He has been posting videos and pics of them all together. He has always favored her because she is so much like his side of the family. It always made me feel awful as a kid knowing I would never be loved like he did her. They will both tell you that she is his favorite and I am buy mother’s favorite. My brother is just kind of an ass(sorry for the language) but he doesn’t really get along with anyone. He is actually my half brother, same mom different fathers, but we only found our a few years ago. I think we always knew because he looks different. Both of my biological parents cheated on each other while they were married. They were just too young, but I expected both of them to stay in my life.

The time my bio father disappointed me the worst was when I was in middle school. I was in the band and I had a concert coming up. He had called my mom to let her know he would sign over the adoption papers for me and my brother but not my sister. He talked to me on the phone for a few mins and promised me he would come to my upcoming concert. He never showed. Do you know what it’s like to work on something extra hard because someone you loved was coming to see it? well that’s how broken my heart was when he never showed up. I guess at that point he had already been gone about 3 or 4 years so it didn’t matter anymore. I think it was really me just giving him another chance. But when you are 13/14 years old you learn quickly that even as a young adult/ older child that you can remove what doesn’t make you happy from your life.

Just hate that he thinks he can come back in after all this time. He was never there for any of my concerts, art shows, or major teen moments. He never saw me be so proud of myself for getting a first chair part in the band, never saw me create the masterpiece of my air career, and never saw me running a kitchen the way I had dreamed my whole life up to that point. He never saw all the tears I cried because I didn’t feel like I was good enough to be in his life. He never saw all the happy times I had with my brother and sister. He never saw that I needed him. But today I can proudly say that he will never see how far my life went without him there. He will never see my children grow into the adults I will be proud of. HE will never see me disappoint them by missing school activities, the first time they drive, or the day they marry the loves of their lives. I refuse to miss any of those because I know how it really feels to be that disappointed.

I know I have been going on about this topic, but my heart is broken and I can’t fix myself over night. Lucky for me my boyfriend is a great listener and I know he will always be there for me. Even when I don’t realize I need him. I am lucky that I can write it all here and knowing it’s out of my head helps some as well. I think that I will be a better parent because I know what I don’t want to put my children through. I think I worked harder than my siblings because I wanted that approval that I was good enough, but now I realize I never needed it. With all things considered I think that I am a strong woman, and I can face life. It’s for sure not easy but I am doing it.

 

Thank you all for reading,

Be Lipstick Brave!

-C

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