So today was a rough day at work. I had the worst time staying focused but was so happy when the day was finally over. After work I video chatted with my sister because we haven’t talked in a while. So we were talking and BAM! my biological father comes into focus. I had to hang up. I still am not sure how I feel about seeing him. He left when I was 10 years old, and then showed up a few years ago. I have seen him once in the past 18/19 years. I tried to be nice and give him a chance, but I just can’t. I don’t know him and I am not sure I want to get to know him. I am not sure why I am all worked up about it. Wait! yes I do.
Ever since we were younger he has favored my older sister. We are pretty sure it’s because I look so much like my mom and they hated each other. We use to go visit during the summer for a few weeks, but my 10th birthday he dropped me off with my mom. We never saw or heard from him again, well at least till a couple years ago. His mom found me on Facebook, and he didn’t even have the nerve to message me. I can’t make an effort for someone who left me without even thinking about it and then didn’t make any effort to get to know me. He talks to my sister and her kids, but I will always be second best. Actually I am not even second anymore since he has a new family.
For years I wondered “why doesn’t he want me”, “what did I do that was so wrong”, “will I ever see him again”, and eventually “do I even want to see him again”. After a few years I actually forgot about him. I know that’s a really horrible thing to say but eventually you realize you’re worth more than they made you feel you were. Today I am happy he left because I think having two broken homes to deal with growing up may have taken it’s toll on me. I know these are such harsh things to say but I had to get them out because it’s all been running through my head this evening.
I know, from social media, that he is happy with his new family and he is in my sister’s life. I worry that he will walk out of her life again and she won’t take it well. Last month my sister filed for divorce from her third marriage and I think if her father left her she would be in a nut house. Let’s face it, my family is full of crazy people but I still love them. They are your best friends growing up, and they are going to be there till the end. They are the people you can go to and not get judged based on your mistakes. They are the ones we expect to always be honest with us and tell us everything. They are the ones we share our gossip with. Even if it’s about something they never met they listen because they know you have to tell someone.. haha.. My mom and I talk sometimes after work just for that purpose.
I am thankful that my life went the way it did and with the people it did. I feel like everyone who has come in or gone out of my life has brought something into it. I am a huge believer that everything happens for a reason. It goes the same for the ones you meet, the ones that move on from you, and the ones you let go. I look back and see how if one thing had gone differently how different I could have ended up.
Does any have an opinion on what I should do? Make an effort to be in his life or not? just leave it as it is?
Happy Friday everyone!
Be Lipstick Brave